Weird me

I'm wondering what has happened.. all the good intentions and I am still where I was before. Yuk.
And lj all but forgotten. Writing doesn't help that much anymore.
Still, listening to k's choice is always bad.. makes me feel old and sad and nostalgic and longing for better times. Growing up sucks so bad.. I wish someone would take all that crap and threw it into the sun.

People tend to give me strange looks when I say that I wish for a worldwide catastrophe. But I guess that is kinda ok, since it does not seem healthy to wish the world away when you're not happy with your own life. Other people have luck and happiness and so on. They should not be punished by my failure to be normal. Argh.. I don't know. I just wish all was over for once and I didn't have to think about anything anymore.

..

so much for changes.

Sooooo... after a minor/major breakdown I had a week ago I realized that I have to change something. All that self pity and ranting doesn't do me any good.
I don't know what triggered it exactly - except for being really, really drunk and having a conversation with a really, really strange guy - but after going out we went to the bank to get money for a cab. We kinda argued about something and after he said he'd leave I was standing inside the bank and couldn't hold it in anymore. I must have sat there crying for what feels like an hour (in reality it probably was only 10 minutes or so) and when I finally could calm down, I think I acknowledged for the first time out loud and in front of someone else that I do have a problem. I have maneuvered myself into a corner.
So I spent the days after (last week) in a kind of dazed state, not quite here nor there until I realized somewhere along the line that I will die if I don't stop this crap.
So for a few days now I've been trying to get my act together, start communicating again instead of shutting myself of. It kinda worked, albeit very, very slowly. After feeling angry or empty the last months or however long it was, I don't really remember, I think I took a few steps back to who I once was.
Sucky thing though is that it feels like I'm walking with baby steps, always with the risk of falling flat on my ass again.
So to keep things in perspective, I need something to concentrate on. I haven't found that thing yet but I will find it.
It's just that I feel that every minor setback I might have will be blown out of proportion and make me feel that fucked up no-future-way again. So I hope I can do it on my own. Hanging in there. Because the last thing I want to do is .. well see, I wanted to write "get help".. another thing to work on I guess. :-)

Anyway, that's my state of mind at the moment. I don't know if I can do it but there is a chance. You know, I never understood people that couldn't snap out of something but I can kind of relate to it. It's not that I had this major revelation or so... I just feel I kind of understood somethings about me. We will see how it's going to turn out.
So, thinking about all of this and having this goddamn pressure on my chest is kind of very sucky because that's the way I felt before. Which kind of makes me doubt I can do it on my own. But I really want to. I hate being dependent. I don't want to whine and cry about feeling left out and empty and alone when I know that I did this to myself, aware of the consequences. I don't want pity but I am afraid others are going to think that, since there is nothing to whine about, I am just.... I don't know, weak or attention seeking or something like that.
Another thing I thought about that even if I would tell anyone how I felt and am still feeling, how should I do that? "Hey, by the way, my life sucks and I don't know why.. wanna talk about it?" Especially since I know that every single one of the people I would consider telling have so much bigger problems.

Aww.. I just don't know. I want to get better. I really do. But it's so much easier to fall back into this well of self pity I am so used to. I need a kick in the ass. I hate risks. It's just that if I stay like this, it's kind of a safe road. It may be dark and empty but I know what to expect and where it goes. Boy, if I think back and remember how I was before all this.. sounds crazy but I didn't care about risks or injuries or stuff like that. When I was 12 (around that age anyways) I used to cross streets without looking, climb trees, jump fences, you name it. That's another thing (yeah, I've been doing a lot of thinking on the subject lately.. ;-)), I think all of this might have something to do with that crappy crap thing in my brain. It's not lifethreating nor even hindering in any way but I think that was kind of a starting point for me. Something like the fork in the road.
I've read a lot about loosing that feeling of invulnerability you have as a kid or teenager and that you loose that somewhere along the line. It might be that that's what happened and I didn't handle that all that well. Maybe that is it.

But still, it's no good to dwell on the past, looking into the future is the new path. Writing about it kinda helps so I'll continue that for the time being and hope for the best. We'll see how it turns out. :-)

.. are happy. Why can't I be? I think it has something to do with reality. I figure that you have 2 kinds of reality. The one that is real and the one you whish was real. At the moment, the one I wish was real is the only thing providing enough "mojo" - for the lack of a better word - to keep me going. I've always had troubles with emotional realtionships. I back out as soon as it gets serious. I don't know why but so far, it keept me kinda safe. I just wonder. Today I had this idea to just go to that place I don't want to go and ask that guy to just have casual sex with me. But what would have that accomplished? Nothing. Except for easing my mind. I think I should go with this impulses because if I don't, I wont be around to celebrate my 30th birthday.
That's the sucky part.. somewhere along the line I kinda got used to the idea that I will die before my 30th birthday. I don't go to the doctor's, I am drinking (a lot at times), I am smoking and I don't want to be old and wrinkley. If it wasn't for my parents, I would've jumped a long time ago.
When the hell did that happen? I mean, it's not an easy choice. But what do I excpect from life? I don't want children, I am obviously not capable of maintaining a realationship, what should i do?

Ha.. I'm right in the middle of it. I kinda would like to know what happened to make that miserable, desperate woman out of me...

I mean, everyone makes bad choices. I made a few. But that's not something to get stuck on for the rest of your life. I've been stupid, smart, idiotic, brave - it's what everyone does. But somewhere along the line I got on that train of self-hatred and I haven't been able to get of yet. I would like to know why. What I did that made me hate myself so much. Because if I keep going like this, I will either end up in an early grave or alone. Which is pretty much the same in my book. Well, no, early grave is better, but you get my meaning.
My life... I don't even know how to describe it. I have been a somewhat shy but still most of the time nice girl once. How can you go from that to miserable misanthrope? Most of the time I prefer living in a dream world were everything is about me being hurt and people helping me. What does that say about my psyche?

I don't even know what I want. Attention makes me uncomfortable, I'll never take compliments serious and I don't believe anyone anything. I'd say I have serious trust issues.

And now my friend tells me they are clean. The only person I know that usually feels worse than I am is feeling better. Good for her. Fucked up for me. If I don't even have that, what is left? I stagnate. And I have no idea how to get out of this. I can't just "live my life". I don't know how. I don't feel anymore. I think I have all that emotions I can't deal with bottled up in me somewhere. I'm not sure I want to let them out.

Oh, if I snap sometime in the future and go on a rampage or whatever, read all of this. It goes from happy teen to weird fucked up in only 5 years. Yay for me.

What kind of fucked up world are we living in? Seriously, I have taken a break from news this weeking but after reading it today, I am really wondering if humankind really deserves to live. All we do is fighting. About everything. Look at politics in Austria atm. You have the people on the right side, provoking just because they can. People on the left side condeming the others. What kind of world are we living in?
I am finally so far to say I have a maybe serious psychological problem but even I recognise the bad signs. Look at it. What kind of people makes us if we condemn everyone that is not up to our standards? Human? Hell yeah. And people wonder why I am misanthropisch... I really whish all that crap would end. Wipe the whole planet out of existance. It seems to be the only way.

I really whish something reallly bad would happen. To all of us. beyme it helps. Even if not, at least
OIt all sucks so much, I don't even know where to beginn...

I'm on holidays with my family and this was the first night... and I dream about Tim Curry being a pedophile and completely nuts. That was the strangest dream. But no matter, gotta sleep some more, it's only 6 am. Kids have too much energy to keep up with when you're tired. Tata

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Today sucks. I am on a weird wavelength atm. Everything sucks but at the same time it's kind of ok? My mind is very strange. And I need to stop smoking that much or I will end up a stupid idiot or in jail. I wish I could just go and start new somewhere. I missed an exit somewhere on the way and I don't know how to go back or even where I lost the way. YUK. I want to go now. And I don't think I want to come back. This country is at its worst. I don't remember that it has ever been this bad. But than the whole world is in a state right now. Maybe something as far away as possible. I wouldn't even mind working in a bar or something like that. I think I just need a timeout. Maybe next summer.

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I should see the world. Get off my ass and re-prioritize. Because atm I'm stuck. I don't really know where to go or what to do. I feel like I'm sitting around, just waiting for something to happen. I'd like to take a trip alone once. Doesn't have to be that long, just a short while away. And just me. So how am I going to tell him that? I wanna see the world but not with you? He wont get it. He doesn't work that way.
Boy... I'm thinking about getting on my bike and just go away. Maybe I should try that sometime soon. Maybe it helps. We'll see.

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Aaaaaahh... such a nice day and I'm in the foulest mood again. Why can't I be happy for a while? Gah.. qll crap. Wish I was home. Work sucks. Nothing new and too much stuff to so. Very crappy. Also... I'm really tired. About to fall asleep. I need to sleep more. Amd I need to clean my room because it's horrible to be in there with all that Crap. Yish... all is complicated. Dozed off again. Need energy.

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